We study history, so they say, as a means of avoiding repeating the mistakes of the past. Well, I just went through and re-read my whole blog here from day one, and I have to admit that I really wish I had kept it up all the way through. It is inspiring to myself to see where I have been and how far I have come. Though, I don't know if I'll really learn anything from this revelation and continue with it as frequently as I should, but I'd like to think that I will.
Certainly, the process of losing weight is an emotional journey. It is also quite the trek through time. As I reach new lows, I can recall specific instances of when I was last at that weight as well as many of the emotions that were associated with those places. These days, I'm feeling especially emotional. For the first time in a long time, I'm beginning to feel pretty again, and it is giving me a great confidence that affects many other aspects of my life. I look to my future with eagerness, like there is something wonderful waiting for me just around the next bend.
But as I look into my past, I'm reminded of friends--significant and platonic--from days gone by. One thing no one ever wants to do is to reconnect with someone and have them compare how you now to what you were then--especially when you've gone downhill! But you can't expect that not to happen. I admit that I notice when others have changed for the worse, just as I make note of those who still look damned good, much to my chagrin!
Well, the internet is a very interesting place. Where else can you find people you used to know, see their pictures, intuit precisely who they are today by the little blurbs they post on places like Facebook and Twitter? While I have to say I really have not gotten into the whole Twitter thing, I admit to being totally addicted to Facebook. (Shut up; you know you are too, so don't judge me!)
Anyway, I think I've been on Facebook for about 2 years now. In that time, I have received many friend requests from people I used to attend school with. Well, I really couldn't have that; I mean, after all, I don't need them seeing what has happened to me after all these years! So, most of them I ignored their requests. I even looked-up an old boyfriend, but no way in hell was I going to invite him to see what has become of me! So I have hitherto kept Facebook primarily for those with whom I have a current personal connection.
One of the few friends from the past I have allowed on my Facebook is my friend Kim (shout out to ya, Kim, 'cause I know you're reading this!) Back in high school, we had ended our friendship in a really bad way. Actually, she wanted to kick my ass, and I think she could have done a pretty damned good job of it! It was due partly to a misunderstanding and partly due to my saying something really stupid and not realizing just how much things one says can hurt someone. We actually reconnected through classmates.com, and without getting into all the details, let me just say that over the past few years since doing so, it has really reminded me of how good of friends we had been before our falling out.
When you end a relationship with someone on a bad note, you tend to not recall all the good times you had, and all you can think of is the pain and anger and resentment you have towards them. That is a shame. So after many instances of talking on the phone, emailing back and forth, and now posting on Facebook, it has really reminded me how much I had once really valued our friendship, and it is sad that so many years went by before I realized this. I am happy to say that I can once again call her my friend.
(Segway) I know it seems that I ramble mindlessly, but like Virginia Woolf, I do eventually get to the point, and all the stuff in-between--extraneous as it may seem--is integral to the point I'm trying to make. So back to Facebook, and back to my weight-loss.
So now that I have lost this certain amount of weight; now that I don't feel so disgustingly huge and ugly; now that I have a restored sense of confidence, I am brave enough to allow old friends into my Facebook. I did finally send a message to that old beau, and do you know what he said to me? He said I was still beautiful. Beautiful! That really put a smile on face!
When all is said and done, it seems what we're really looking for is acceptance from those who mean something to us whether it was in the past or it is now. Like I said before, losing this weight has affected me in ways emotional and temporal. But it has also restored so much to me in ways I would never have expected.
